Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence ©

Denial Patterns:

• I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
• I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
• I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
• I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
• I label others with my negative traits.
• I can take care of myself without any help from others.
• I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
• I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
• I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:

• I have difficulty making decisions.
• I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
• I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
• I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
• I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
• I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.
• I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake.
• I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good.
• I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires.
• I perceive myself as superior to others.
• I look to others to provide my sense of safety.
• I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
• I have trouble setting healthy priorities.

Compliance Patterns:

• I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
• I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
• I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
• I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
• I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
• I accept sexual attention when I want love.
• I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
• I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

Control Patterns:

• I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
• I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
• I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.
• I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
• I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.
• I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.
• I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others.
• I demand that my needs be met by others.
• I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
• I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others.
• I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
• I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
• I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
• I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.

Avoidance Patterns:

• I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.
• I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
• I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance.
• I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships.
• I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
• I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery.
• I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
• I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.
• I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself.
• I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
• I withhold expressions of appreciation.

Copyright © 1998 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. and its licensors -All Rights Reserved